Deadpool vs The Green Goblin
by Penance the Admonished
Summary: The Merc with a Mouth is busy chillin' in Miami, until his good buddies Wolverine, Thor, the Thing, and Iron Man come to team up to take down the Green Goblin, the Scorpion and the Mandarin, and stop them from destroying the world...that's Deadpool's job.


DEADPOOL vs. THE GREEN GOBLIN

By ETERNAL FURY

CHAPTER 1

Hiya, Reader! I don't know your name, but I'm sure you know mine (is your name Deadpool, too?) It's the only proper noun said twice in this document so far! I'm also known as the 'Merc with a mouth' (don't blame me; blame the guys at Marvel who gave me that lame nickname in the first place.) I'll be telling you this story with the help of voice #2, also known as the TAKO Kid, (**his voice will be written in this font**) and voice #3, also known as the TAKO Kidd, notice the two d's. _His dialogue will be written in this font_. Now these people are not so unlike me, actually there voices in my head! _**Our**_** head and you spelt there wrong. In this context it is written they are or they're with an apostrophe. **_Ignore him. He's just pissy cuz he couldn't have the body. _ Don't worry about them. They're just ribbin' each other like they always do.

** What story are we going to tell them, boss? **_Ooh! How about the one time we blew up that one bank and blamed it on Lockjaw, and the cops believed us! _** No, how about when we took Iron Man's armor for a joy ride? He won't even let us talk to him anymore. **_What happened again? Oh yeah, we crashed into the rock face and took a leak in it. _** We? You were the one who suggested the Route 44 at Sonic twenty minutes earlier! **All valid ideas, boys but how about the one time we bumped into Wolverine and those other guys and we all had that one incident with that one bad guy at that one place and we won? _Ooh! Ooh! I love that one! _

_It was a dark and stormy night- _**Hey! He started the last one! I want to tell the story! **I'm telling the story! Now shut up both of you! Anyway…

It was a dark and stormy night, and I **-we-**just finished visiting the Black Widow, in Pittsburgh! We decided to go hang out in South Beach, maybe see LeBron and D-Wade drop 30 points a piece on the Lakers_-you're not telling the story-y-y-y… _Anyway, we decided to stop at Taco Bell for some Gorditas when some guy with a goofy outfit walked in. It was green and purple and he had a hood on. His face was kinda green and wrinkly. **Wait a minute… Is this who I think it is? **_Brett Favre in a Jets uniform in the 2040 season? _ He walked up to the counter and ordered three crunchy tacos and a small Diet Coke. I only knew one person who would order a small Diet Coke… my archnemesis; the Green Goblin! **You mean Spider-Man's archnemesis. **_Same difference. _

I unloaded **–we, dang it! -** my AK-47 on him. He leapt aside and chucked a Pumpkin Bomb at me…me! I teleported two feet to the right, unsheathed my katanas and charged him. I swung both blades at the same time and he ducked and spun off my attacks. He was quick but the only thing I was thinking-_who gets a small Diet Coke? - _where was his toy glider? He chucked up a Pumpkin Bomb to the ceiling and it exploded leaving just ash and his glider: a thick piece of metal geared with all of his toys and repulsors like all the high-tech jets have. **We need to figure out where he gets his weapons. They sound like fun! ** He leapt up onto it, cackled and flew into the night. _And without his food! _** Then we chased him, right? **Yes but not until- BOOM! The door blew open to reveal Wolverine, in his blue and yellow spandex-_Ha! We need to get some of them too! Maybe we could get an appointment with Stan Lee or Steve Ditko… _anyway, Wolverine, Thor (with his dorky helmet and cape), and the Thing with his blue skinny jeans. The Fantastic Four Logo was on his belt buckle. **Thank Stan for not dressing us like that****.**

"Okay, Merc," Wolverine growled at me, "Where's Goblin?

"Ya just missed 'im. He left his crunchy tacos though. Wanna bite? Ya might get E-coli though. No guarantees."

Thing laughed then caught Thor's eye and stopped abruptly.

"Fury wants his head," Wolverine growled again, "He just attacked the emperor of China and the Chinese are blaming it on the U.S. We got a war on our hands."

"Ooh. Is Fury a voice in your head? We have _soooo_ much to talk about…"

"Colonel Nick Fury, assassin." Thor boomed. He sure acted tough. His big hammer probably made him feel special. "The Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. The Strategic Homeland-"

"Keep your chili hole shut, butterscotch." I said coolly. "I know what it stands for. And I know Nikki F. The modern pirate, aye?"

His helmet seemed to light up like a light socket. **Ooh! Human Light bulb! **

"Easy, Thor." Wolverine said. He popped his claws on his left hand. They were thick and sharp, like kitchen knives. _I wonder if he uses those to cook hotdogs…_**We could ask him. ** "Look, Deadpool. Help us and these won't go through your head."

_Ooooh. Tempting. Those look pointy. _"Well, Logan," I said, shrugging "I never said I wouldn't help you, sooooo, let's go!"

In the next few minutes we were tracking him. How did we do that? We followed the bodies. _In this story, we didn't put them there. We are the good guys still, right? _Goblin was on a rampage, killing everything he laid eyes on. _Except us!_

"Well, where is da goon? I want sumbody to pound!" Thing growled. **His New York accent bugs me. Can we kill him? **_Maybe later._

"Look, Grimm, once we find him, we'll pound him. But leave him alive." Wolverine said.

"Why?" I asked.

"So that we may have an alibi with the Chinese's accusations." Thor said. **Nice speech. **

"Fury wants him alive. That's the way it's going to be."

_I hate it when authority gets in the way of a good time. Reminds me of that one incident with Joe Biden…_

**Oh! And we lit his pants on fire! **

Later boys. Anyway…

We were just passing American Airlines Arena when I saw the Heat playing the Magic on the JumboTron outside. LeBron just drove past Dwight Howard and slammed it!

"WOOO!" I yelled jumping up and down. "Ell Jay!"

**Kobe's better… **

_Hop on the band wagon… he does that the best. _

Wolverine just shook his head and we kept moving. Then something _wooshed _above us and I heard the Goblin's cackle. He landed on top of the stadium.

"The Green Goblin has landed on the Arena!" Thor said. **Rather majestically too. **

"He's going to take out that whole stadium, maybe this whole part of town!" Wolverine said. "Thing! Toss me up there!"

"One Speedball Special, comin up!" Thing said cracking his knuckles. He grabbed Wolverine by the armpit and thigh swung him around and threw him towards the roof of the building. Thor flew straight up and I looked at Thing. "How are you supposed to get up there?"

"Like dis!" The Thing sprinted toward the flag post, bent it slightly with his hands, grabbed onto it by the legs than let go of it. The force swung him straight up over the roof and a giant THUD told me he had landed. I do what I do and teleported to the top.

The Green Goblin had taken Erik Spoelstra, the head coach of the Miami Heat, captive! Spoelstra was unconscious and he was wrapped in black duct tape to his neck. And he was wired to blow in 3 minutes. The timer wasn't on yet. The Green Goblin was standing over him like a mama bear over her cub. _Mama bears are better looking. _ The Green Goblin had a detonator in his hand and I saw him smile. "Ha ha! You're too late! Because when I trigger this detonator, Erik Spoelstra will die as the thousands of people will in the arena below."

"Oh, c'mon Goblin!" Thing taunted. "You jus' prob'ly too wussy to fight us all at once!"

"What do you want with Erik Spoelstra, demon?" Thor said. _He sounded cooler last time. _

"Wouldn't you like to know? Hahahahah!"

**That cackling is really started to piss me off. Shall we kill him?**

_Oh yes. Let's. _

I pulled out my two uzzies and fired away. It nailed him right in the face and he cried out in pain. **Well, you think! **He dropped the detonator and the pin flipped up and the timer started to count down 2.58.86, then 2.56.72. The Goblin laughed, leapt onto his glider and disappeared below.

"Whadda we do?" Thing yelled. "Can we shut it off?"

"No." Wolverine said gruffly. "The pin was pulled. Can't be turned off."

"We need to free Spoelstra!" Thor cried.

"Yeah!" I said. "I'll get the explosives and toss them into the sea!" _What about the fishies though?_

"That'll take ya three minutes to get dare and we on'y got 2!"

"That's what you think," I said, grinning.

With the high grade explosives in hand, I was teleporting across buildings, till I reached South Beach. According to the timer, I had 20 seconds. **Then the Goblin is just going to pop out of nowhere and we'll engage in a very fierce but brief battle then we'll toss the explosives in the sea with three seconds left, the detonation will be harmless and we ride off into the sunset like an old western, right? **

Ahhh, no. Instead I tossed 'em in and watched the fireworks. Then I got back to American Airlines Arena where Thing and Thor were watching the game with popcorn and drinks, and Wolverine was having a hotdog!

Wolverine told me I did a good job and that the Goblin left without hurting anyone else. "He'll show up again," Wolverine said. "And we'll whoop 'em when he does." Then something beeped on Wolverine's belt. _Looks like an I-Phone 6G!_ **How many bloody gees are there?**

Wolverine picked it up and touched the screen. The black man was getting old; I could see some white hairs in his beard. Nick Fury was famous for his eye patch, that was the attention grabber. **Ooh! I want one of those, too! ** "Wolverine," he said grimly. "We need your team back to the Helicarrier ASAP. New info on the China situation."

"You got it, Colonel. Wolverine out." He looked at me and I could see him glare through his goofy cowl. "You heard the man! Let's move out!"

"Well here it is." Colonel Fury threw down the file. The tab said Operation Samurai. We were all sitting at a table on the Command Deck of the Helicarrier.

"Well Colonel, I gotta hand it to ya. S.H.I.E.L.D. really does come up with the best code names. Maybe you could name a special something after me!" _Ooh! Good one boss! _

Wolverine glared at me and I smiled.

Fury continued, "The Chinese still believe that the American government was behind the attack. The Green Goblin has been seen in numerous places besides Miami and Beijing."

"Is that where the Chinese President was attacked?" I asked with a grin.

Fury glared at me with his 'good' eye. "Shut up, merc, or I'll make sure you never see home." **Ooooh, tough guy. **

"Okay, mama, keep goin'." Fury glared at me again and continued, "He was seen in Germany attacking Berlin; we've tried to link the attacks but nothin's come up. He also was seen in New York, having a slumber party with Scorpion. They destroyed a bus stop but Spider-Man chased them from the scene. He also was seen heading toward the Valley of Spirits with an unknown package. More interestingly, a Congress Representative for Illinois, Mr. Zane Virgil, had gone missing no more than a day earlier."

Thing spoke up. "You t'ink da Goblin nicked this guy and took him to China?"

"Yes." Thor said. "Right into Mandarin's nest, it seems."

"Mandarin?" I said. "Is that another code name? It wasn't named after me!"

Fury glared at me, _again. There are two kinds of people in this world; there are haters and there are lovers. Fury's a hater. _** Probably cause someone he loved put out his eye! How would you feel?**

"What would Mandarin want with Virgil?" Wolverine said.

"Virgil was elected for Congress this past fall. In his inauguration speech he said he would put all Supers behind bars. 'That's where they belong' he said. Mandarin might want to kill him to send a message to authorities that Supers are here to stay."

"I _hate_ politics…" I chipped in. "Always with the violence. '_Why can't we be friends, why can't be friends?'" _

Thing laughed. "I like dis guy!" He thumped me on the back. **Owie! That hurt. **

"Anyway, to sum it up, you're heading to China to rescue Congressman Virgil and to interrogate Mandarin on the whereabouts of Goblin."

"I don't know about this plan, Colonel." Thor said. _Some people just need to shut up._**Like you. I bet $5 you can't talk for one whole page****.**_You're on!_ "If we are trying to make peace with the Chinese, attacking one of their own is not a very praiseworthy action."

"Yeah! Why can't we just kill Mandarin! That is much more praiseworthy! And much more fun!"

"Once we're done with Mandarin, you can give him to the Chinese Government for questioning. That will override our actions. Mandarin is a villain and they know that." Fury said.

"How d'we get to China?" Wolverine asked.

"With one of my Quinjets." A new _robot_-like voice said. I turned around and saw my good buddy Iron Man stepping onto the deck. He was wearing his hot rod red and gold suit with the helmet down. Its eyes were wide and narrow and it seemed like it frowning.

"Hiya Tony!" I called waving. "Got the piss stain out of your suit I see!"

Stark shook his head and walked to stand by Fury. "Mandarin is going to be a tough adversary, so I'm joining your team."

Wolverine nodded. "Alright Stark, welcome aboard."

Tony walked around and sat in between Thing and Thor. Wolverine and I had the other side of the table while Fury sat on the end.

Fury nodded at Iron Man and kept going. "There's one last thing. Scorpion might be in on this deal. If you get a whiff of him, tell us. Any questions?"

I looked around and raised my hand.

"Yeah, Deadpool?"

"Is airline food provided on the flight!"

Fury rolled his eye again. "I almost forgot. This file," he indicated the Operation Samurai on the table, "This is goin' to help you get into Mandarin's palace. He's put in new defenses and we going to take 'em out."

"Well we can't go in dare guns blazin' Colonel," Thing said, "What you got in mind?"

"Deadpool will teleport in, and shut down the systems, then locate Mandarin with Tony."

**Sheesh why d'ya need a codename for the oldest trick in the book!**

Tony sniffed and said, "Okay, Deadpool, no tricks this time, got it? Or I will send you home to your mama in a body bag." **But our mom's dead! Has been for 20 years!**

"Aah, no worries Tony! I'll only take your suit this time!"


End file.
